Father's Day Confession

Happy Father's Day to all the dads putting in that work. Today, I celebrate my third Father's Day and I can't stop smiling about it. Being a father, regardless of how it happens, is a gift from Heaven.
It's funny, because as I was preparing to leave work, my co-workers were wishing me a "Happy Father's Day" and I had a split-second relapse. I wondered why people were saying that to me. Then I instantly remembered - I AM SOMEONE'S DADDY! You know how you can know something, but don't know it? I KNOW I'm BB's dad, but it doesn't feel labor-intensive all the time. As I'm teaching him, he's teaching me. I was obviously grown when he was born, but he made a man out of me. That's something for which I truly cannot repay my son. He added the missing dimension to my life. He added purpose to my existence. But can I be honest? It wasn't always like this.
When I first found out BB's mom was pregnant with him, I took a free-fall into depression. I couldn't be happy, I could barely get out of bed and function each day. It was hard to minister (which I eventually put myself in time out) and life was just overwhelming me. I had a kid on the way with a person I barely knew. I was smarter than that, wasn't I? How could this happen to me of all people? The shame was immense, the pressure was daunting, and I just wanted to be free. I was hurting and drowning in silence. I was so depressed, I considered taking my own life. This is not a joke and this is not for sympathy or for dramatic effect. I was really broken. Most people are happy when they're expecting children. I couldn't muster that response. Something was really wrong with me. I was ashamed before God, my family, my colleagues... I felt I had just disappointed everyone. I continued to push forward - suicidal thoughts and all, because that's what was expected. I felt like every segment of my life was judging me and I couldn't take it anymore.
BB was born on a rainy Sunday in July, in the nine o'clock hour. I was the first one to hold him and I knew in an instant I loved him. However, I didn't feel I had anything to give him. Here I am divorced, living check to check, unfulfilled in everything in life and here I'm holding a life that's going to depend on me. The pressure was ratcheting up to about 100 at this point.
One weekend, in one of my episodes, I took a drive to one of my old neighborhoods. I had made up my mind that my disappointments shouldn't reflect on the people I loved the most. That was the day I was going to end my life. I drove down to the lake and was going to keep driving until I drove into the lake and drowned myself. I obviously wasn't myself and felt a helplessness I had never felt before. The tough-as-nails former Marine and Gospel preacher had lost his faith and couldn't seem to snap out of his storm. I got the front wheels of the car over the curb and made it to the grass. I blinked and when I opened my eyes, all I could see were those two big brown eyes that looked back at me on that rainy July morning. It's as if God, Himself, grabbed the wheel and pressed the brake and made me look at that face. I stopped and I cried. I didn't know how I was going do all this. I just wanted to give up, but the Spirit wouldn't allow me to accept defeat.
I learned that day that with God, nothing is impossible. I also learned that I'd be forfeiting the greatest honor and gift ever - of being a father. This little person has brought so much sunshine into my life! He saved my life. I can't imagine what my life would be without him. He's been my shadow, my comedian, my armor bearer, my affection-giver, my purpose.
What I'm about to say is probably contraversial, but true: I could walk away from the ministry tomorrow and be content with being BB's dad. God has blessed me immensely, more than I deserve. This Father's Day, I don't celebrate myself, but the one who has done more for me than he can comprehend. I look forward to watching movies we've seen seemingly a hundred times, to homework, to quiet time. I'm extremely thankful for my son and I will always love him.
Everyday, I'm reminded of God's grace. Even when people kick you while you're down, God's grace is still sufficient. When you're broken and without hope, His Grace and mercy covers it all. All I want to do now is live. I want to live my kid, teach him, and protect him from evil. I can do this - and so can you. Our children need us and our calling as dad's is not predicated on other's opinions, church dogma or polity, or our neighbors. Let's go Dads!